Can't sleep...or don't want to??

It's late and I'm delirious soooo, this is going to be a short post... or at least I hope... (cuz I seriously need to get to bed).


I have been going to sleep extremely late every night this week. When you have to get up at 5:45am to get kids up and out of the house to get on the school bus in the morning, logically you SHOULD be going to sleep early. Well, such is not the case for me. I mean, it's not as if this is all that strange to be up at almost 2am.... not for me that is. I'm a night owl. Night is the only time I can get lost in another world, whether it be through the TV or visiting my favorite blogs. The problem is that I realize I do this more when hubby is away.

I can take a nap alone in my bed during the day without an issue (getting the chance to do so is a whole other story!) but at night it's just different. You see, Mr. McDaddy and I have been married for 10 years now and in those ten years we never spent more than a short weekend away from each other... until he joined the Navy Reserves. Everything has changed drastically since. This is why he's away. He's doing the two week requirement thingy. One weekend every month is required also and then of course the two week thing I just mentioned. I know, he's "only" a Reservist, but it still requires a huge sacrifice... from all of us. (Like when he was in boot camp and I felt as if I had been abandoned.... we'll chat about that later.)

Over the years our relationship has been tested through many trials... no real honeymoon, unexpected twin pregnancy after only 15 months of marriage. Me having to be on home bed rest and eventually hospitalized due to pre-term labor during said pregnancy. Having to give up our little apartment and move back in with my mother to deal with the rising hospital bills from having to stay there from March through June. This was all in the first two years of marriage. Things continued to be relentlessly challenging to this day. In spite of it all, we stuck it through. We took marriage very seriously (and still do) as a lifetime covenant.

(Ok, so this is turning into a long post... Lord help me!)

Like any other long term relationships, there are the ups and downs but the ups are what keep you going. Ups can be the simplest and silliest little things. For example, I like to pester him sometimes (who am I kidding...most times) when he's on his laptop every night. You know, "accidentally" bump into him as I walk by wherever he's sitting (usually the floor) or lying down. Occasionally, (ok, ok, almost always) I tap the back of his neatly shaved bald head. It's there.... right in my face... just calling me to tap it... or old school "mush" it. (lol) I also like to poke him. Any part of him that I can quickly poke as I'm walking by will do. Underarms are my faves though....(although he's very serious and the strong and silent type, he's also highly ticklish). He doesn't like being tickled....I love his reaction though... my hand can't come within two feet of those underarms without the manly "don't tickle me giggle" coming out along with the serious face trying to scare me off. Punk!  (Tickle me half to death both won't let me near yah? Ok, fine! Count your days buddy.... your time is almost up!)


Anyhow, back to my point. I realize now that I'm still working through this whole change. No matter how many hours he has ever worked (and anyone of my close friends knows he's worked some crazy long hours... esp when he was in his MBA program and working two jobs) he has always come home at some point at night. Now for the independent, raised by a single mom and was a latchkey kid in the 80's who had to grow up fast and take care of herself and do everything at home that a boy would normally do, kind of girl that I am realizing that I'm dependent on somebody is a very hard pill to swallow. I realize, it's not that I can't go to sleep on nights like these... I guess, subconsciously, I don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I can tighten my belt and hold down the fort extremely efficiently myself... including mowing the lawn myself. But I have to admit, I sleep more soundly when he's here. I can feel my spirit is at ease at night just by his physical presence. I feel safer. I even admit to having had a nightmare and upon waking from it I have scooted  over to his side of the bed to make body contact... and then I can sleep again.

My high school BFF and I were just talking about this last month.... how she felt the same way. Ironically her hubby is also a Navy Reservist. When she told me that he was getting deployed to the Middle East I felt a lump in my throat. I felt her pain. We talked on the phone, texted, emailed, Facebooked, Fb-mailed... anything to deal with the impending feeling of doom. Hey, just keeping it real. I know there are families facing worse situations than ours, but it still doesn't make our pain any less valid.

As for now, I go to face my eerily silent room and empty bed. Who would have thought that I would actually miss having to poke him (yet more poking...lol) when he snores occassionally, or when I realized there was an elbow by my head. Nope, nothing.... just a bunch of pillows and me. Pure exhaustion will put me out so I won't have to think about it much. At least it's only two weeks.

Some day a real deployment may come for McDaddy... it's almost inevitable. I just pray for strength for whenever that day comes.

Thanks for listening...
Goodnight/good morning, God bless...
Sincerely,
Sleepless in Florida